Jeep Jokes Page 2

JEEP JOKES II (PG-13)

This explains the little jeep pedal cars you sometimes see...

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile,
"Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,
"Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

An Army major was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.
When the major and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook the major's hand.
"Don't congratulate me, sir," the major said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The
general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Ford, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every
available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Chevrolet, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Jeep, we don't pee on our hands!"

Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone.
"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" the voice commanded.
"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep, sir."
"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No, sir."
"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"
"Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No, I do not!"
"That's good. Good bye, Fat Ass!"
A lady went to a Landrover dealership to buy a Freelander, only to be told that, due to new EEC regulations, she had to provide an account of her medical history before she could purchase the car. Slightly annoyed she complied, and returned the following day with the required information.
The salesman read the documents & said "Sorry ma'am, but you can't buy a Landrover"
"Why on earth not?" asked the perplexed woman.
"Well," said the salesman, "It says here that you've had a colon resection, and you have to be a complete ass to buy a Landrover!"

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi go into the jungle to do missionary work, and they're given a jeep to get around in.
Before they get in, the minister says, "Bless this jeep."
The priest sprinkles on some holy water...
And the rabbi jumps out and cuts six inches off the tailpipe.
Three men, Dave, Jon, and Sam were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood there at the gates of heaven, an angel came up to them and said. "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
The angel looked at Dave and said: "You, Dave! You cheated on your wife five times!!! For this, you will drive around heaven in an old beat up Metro!"

The angel next looked at Jon and said: "You Jon, were not as evil, but you still cheated on your wife three times! For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a mini-van."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said: "You, Sam have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Jeep."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Jeep. There he was, head in hands, crying....
"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Jeep!!! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and said: "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

A woman offered a brand-new Jeep for sale for a price of ten dollars.
A man answered the ad, but he was slightly disbelieving. ''What's the gimmick?'' he inquired.
''No gimmick,'' the woman answered. ''My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary.''
Why Jeeps are better than men

After a good ride in your Jeep, you can immediately go for another ride.
Middle aged Jeeps don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
A Jeep doesn't leave cold wet spots.
If a Jeep screws up repeatedly, you can trade it in for a better model.
A Jeep gets turned on only when you want it to be turned on.
Even small Jeeps give satisfaction.
When driving, you and your Jeep can arrive at the same time.
Your Jeep never wants a night out with the other Jeeps.
Jeeps are easy to buy for.
A rocky relationship with your Jeep is actually fun.
Jeeps can go for hours on end.
Jeeps go as fast or as slow as you want.
Jeeps handle the valleys not just the mountains.
If your jeep's too small you can always make it bigger.
Jeeps like hills of all sizes.
Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you've ridden.
Jeeps don't mind if you do all the driving.
You never have to spend time with your Jeep's mother.
Jeeps don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Jeep with your friends.
Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you've ridden.
Jeeps don't care if you look at other Jeeps.
Jeeps don't fall asleep immediately after a hard ride.
Jeeps don't insult you if you're a bad driver.
A Jeep always looks good - even with the lights on.
There are lots of exciting new Jeeps to choose from every year.

Why Jeeps are better than women

Jeeps don't get pregnant.

You can drive your Jeep any time of the month.

Jeeps don't have parents.

Jeeps don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Jeep with your friends.

Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you've ridden.

When driving, you and your Jeep can arrive at the same time.

Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you have.

Jeeps don't care if you look at other Jeeps.

Jeeps don't care if you buy Jeep magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise! You're going to own a new Jeep!" ...unless you go out and get it yourself.

If your Jeep goes flat, you can fix it.

If your Jeep is too loose, you can tighten it.

If your Jeep is mis-aligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You can have a Jeep of color and still bring it home to your parents.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Jeep.

If you say bad things to your Jeep, you don't have to apologize before you drive it again.

You can drive your Jeep as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop driving your Jeep as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Jeep after you dump it.

Jeeps don't get headaches.

Jeeps don't insult you if you're a bad driver.

Your Jeep never wants a night out with the other Jeeps.

Jeeps don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your Jeep.

If your Jeep doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can drive your Jeep the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when driving your Jeep is a decent seat belt.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great drive you had the last time you were in your Jeep.

Your Jeep is never embarrassed to go topless in public.

You only have to feed your Jeep when you use it.

A rocky relationship with your Jeep is actually fun.

Jeeps don't care how much money you spend on them.

You never have to worry about your Jeep spending your money.

You don't have to remember your Jeep's birthday, when you first met, or anniversaries.

THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER
From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, ''Get well soon. From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.''

How did they know I drove a Willys Jeep?

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