If only this was true.

Real Jeeps have Round Headlights, Folding Windshields, and can tow a cannon - When you break it down, they can do anything.

Real Jeeps are Olive Drab and have Round Headlights - Have you thanked one laely for your freedom?

The Government is full of Irony...
Two Government Jeeps, one from the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the other from the U.S. Department of the Interior, pull up next to each other.
The Government workers exchange greetings and Dept. of the Interior worker asks; "What's new?"
The Dept. of Agriculture worker proudly announces the fact that the Food Stamp Program, which is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever!  He then asks the Dept. of the Interior worker what he is out doing that day.
The Dept. of the Interior worker responds that he is out posting "Please Do Not Feed The Animals" signs for the National Park Service, which is administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, and that the stated reason for this policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

You know you've found the right Jeep club if every member of the club requests to be buried in their jeep because 'My Jeep ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of'!
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another Jeep stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
A signal corpsman pulled his jeep up infront of the office of the newly arrived colonel. The pompous, new
colonel was sitting at his desk after just moving into his new office when the corpsman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the corpsman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir, the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

"75% of the planet is covered by water.  The rest is covered by Jeep!"
A group of Jeepers and a bunch of Landcruiser owners were traveling on a train. The Jeepers had only one ticket for all of them, while the Landcruiser owners, who had a ticket each, were busy having a good laugh about what would happen when the conductor came around.
Then they heard the voice of the conductor in the next carriage.
The Jeepers all dashed to the nearest toilet and stayed there till the conductor knocked on its door and said "Ticket please."
A hand duly popped out with a ticket and the conductor went on to the next carriage. The Jeepers then returned to the compartment where the much impressed Landcruiser owners were waiting.

On the return journey, the Landcruiser owners bought just a single ticket for the lot of them while the Jeepers didn't have any ticket. When they heard the conductor nearby, the two groups rushed to toilets at the opposite ends of the carriage.

But just before the conductor passed by, one Jeeper went to the Landcruiser owners' toilet, rapped on the door and said "Ticket please."

An American farmer from the Midwest was visiting an Icelandic farm. He was bragging about how big his US farm was.
He told the Icelandic farmer, "I can go out my door, get in my jeep and drive for twelve hours before I reach the end of my farm. If I go out my door and drive in the other direction, I can drive for another twelve hours before I reach the end of my farm."
The Icelandic farmer paused and said, "Já, I used to have a jeep like that."

  1. Thou shalt not dismantle jeep engines in thy living room.
  2. Thou shalt not pirate parts from thy family auto for use on thy jeep.
  3. Thou shalt not park thy jeep in the garage and let thy family car sit out in the rain.
  4. Thou shalt not use thy grocery money to repair thy jeep.
  5. Thou shalt stay home at least once a year to mow thy lawn.
  6. Thou shalt not covet thy jeep and forsake thy wife and children.
  7. Thou shalt not take strange and beautiful girls for moonlight jeeping trips - unless they are married to you.
  8. Thou shalt not steel thy wife's black lace undies to use for oil rags when thou breakest down.
  9. Thou shalt not look at new vehicles until thou has paid at least one payment on thine own.
10. Thou shalt wash thy family car once for each fifteen times thou washest thy jeep.
Jeep TV Commercial
A TV ad uses a children's puzzle book to demonstrate Jeep's legendary off-highway capability and "go anywhere, do anything" attitude. When a young boy is asked to "help the rocket get back to earth," he attempts to solve the maze by routinely guiding the lost ship through the puzzle's established paths. When he is asked to "help the Jeep find the fishing hole," his face lights up. The boy accepts the challenge and confidently draws a line straight through the page, over three mountain ranges and a pit of quicksand. The TV spot ends with "Jeep Wrangler. It's even more fun than you imagined."
How the Geo Tracker got it's name.

When Chevy was about to introduce the first Geo 4wd, the president said to the engineers, "What should we call it?"
One engineer jumped up and said "How about the Geo Tracker?"
The president said "that sounds like a winner!"
After the meeting the president asked the engineer "What made you think of that name?"
The engineer replied, "It was simple, since it will have to follow a "Jeep!"
A little boy was walking down the road when a man drove up behind him and said, "Hey kid, jump in and we will go for a ride".
The kid said, "No", and kept walking.
The man once again pulled up to him and said, "Hey kid, come on and go for a ride with me and I will give you $20.00".
The kid then said, "Look dad, you bought the damn Tracker, you ride in it". 
It Helps To Have A Good Plan
A loaded Jeep pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear from the roof and trail racks and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
Dublin's Red Adair

The oil well had been on fire for over ten days. Nothing like it had ever been seen in Saudi Arabia. The world's experts had come, tried and failed to extinguish the blaze. Even Red Adair had had to admit defeat. What to do? Put up a reward! Yes, that was the answer.

So the emir offered twenty million dollars to anyone who could put out the fire and the world's press printed the news. For two days there were no takers and then suddenly, out of nowhere, over a huge sand hill came a jeep. Emerald green in color, it was, bearing the logo 'Murphy's of Finglas'.

Sixty, maybe seventy, miles an hour the jeep hurtled towards the flames with a dozen red-faced Irishmen hanging on for dear life. Into the center of the maelstrom raced the vehicle spilling the men on to the burning oil. Up and down they hopped, stamping fiercely with their Wellington boots until gradually, ever so gradually, the flames abated and the fire was snuffed out.

'Bravo, bravo,' bellowed the delighted emir. 'You have more than earned the twenty million dollars. Now tell me, what's the first thing you'll do with the money? Holidays, Rolls-Royces, houses, what?'

'Well,' said Murphy, 'the first thing we're going to do is get the brakes fixed on that jeep!'

At a French airport...
A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a tour. An elderly Gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his Passport in his carryon.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The elderly Gentleman admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible!" barked the French officer. "Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France."

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

If Computers Were Jeeps

DOS Jeep
Requires you to install your own panel indications, and that you read the directions carefully before opening the door. Originally only came with an 8 gallon gas tank, but now comes with a 16 gallon tank. The tank can be divided into eight compartments of 2 gallons each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep driving it after it's no longer available.

Macintosh Jeep
At first came only with a 16 gallon tank, but now comes with a 32 gallon tank. Considered by many to be a "Real Jeep". All the Jeeps look identical. When you open the door, it starts itself. Owners manuals are not available. If you call to ask about the maintenance, you are told that "you don't need to know."

Windows 3.1 Jeep
The world's most popular Jeep. Comes with a 16 gallon tank and looks a lot like Mac Jeeps. Requires that you previously owned a DOS Jeep. Claims that it allows you to run several accessories previously available on DOS Jeeps simultaneously, but in reality you can only run a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are running the Windows Jeep accessory at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a Windows Jeep will die, requiring that all passengers exit and reenter the Jeep.

OS/2 Jeep
Comes with a 32 gallon tank. Does allow you to run several DOS Jeep accessories simultaneously. Allows you to run Windows 3.1 Jeep accessories simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that the Jeep won't die when you drive them, even if you off road in them. You never see anyone driving OS/2 Jeeps, but the manufacturer claims that 9 million Jeeps have been sold.

Windows 95 Jeep
Only just out, the Windows 95 Jeep looks a lot like the Mac Jeep but runs more like the Windows 3.1 Jeep. It comes with a 32 gallon tank, but when you put gas in them, only 16 gallons will fit. Most people will probably keep driving Windows 3.1 Jeeps until their friends try Windows 95 Jeeps and say they like it. The owners manual, when you look at the small print, has some of the same accessories that come in a DOS Jeep, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new model.

Windows NT Jeep
Comes with a 32 gallon tank, but you can only buy gas for it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy the gas in groups. The Jeep looks just like Windows 3.1 Jeep, but the company promises to change the Jeep to look just like Windows 95 Jeep. Touted as an "industrial strength" Jeep, and suggested only for use as fleet vehicles.

This very heavy Jeep comes with 32 gallon tanks, and has been around for years. Rumor has it that it was originally built as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the Jeep. It tends to be driven only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards; and drivers of it do not like drivers of any other Jeep. In its basic form it is extremely difficult to drive and understand the panel indications, but with the addition of the X-Panel modification, it can be operated on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of extras and (often unpronounceable) accessories.

"What's the difference between a Jeep and a door-to-door salesman?
You can shut the door on the door-to-door salesman. 
How to tell you have OD Green Fever a.k.a. the ‘Jeep Restoration Bug’.

Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 kernels.
Three generals (one each from the Army, Air Force, and the Marines) and an Admiral are talking one day about the relative bravery of each of their respective branches of service.
"I'll tell you what .." says the Army general, "I'll tell that soldier over there to drive his jeep into that wall at 80 mph, and he'd be brave enough to do it." So he tells the soldier to do it, and he does, and he dies.

"Well, that's pretty impressive," says the Air Force general, "but watch this." He tells an airman to stand behind an F-7 while it's taking off, and the airman does it, and is burned to a crisp.

"Yeah, that's pretty good," says the Marine general, "but I'll tell that jarhead over there to jump out of an airplane without his parachute, and damned if he won't do it!" So he tells the jarhead to jump, he does, and is splattered on the ground in short order.

The admiral is watching all this, and finally says "I'll tell that sailor there to jump from the tallest mast on this ship!" So he goes up to the sailor and says "Seaman, jump from the top of this mast!"
To which the seaman responds "HELL NO, SIR".
The admiral turns to the generals and says "Gentlemen, that is bravery."

The motor pool sergeant serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went around the motor pool and collected from jeep drivers and mechanics all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"I regret I can not remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others."

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guarantied."
The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!"

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?" St. Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!"

You know you really got your jeep in the boonies when;
You’re lost and vultures are circling overhead.
Your C.B. radio plays nothing but banjo music.
Your friends say "What trail -I don't see a trail!"
It takes more than 6 hours to get donuts.
J= E= E= P=
Just Enough Essential Parts
Just Empty Every Pocket
Jerries / Japanese Envied Every Private

A wife says to her husband who is a jeep owner, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He replies "What do you expect? You're always getting stuck in your Land Cruiser". 
A flood is expected to wipe out a small town and evacuation is begun. A jeep is driving through town and comes across a guy standing on his front porch. "Hop in," they said, "The flood will be coming in any minute." "Don't worry about me," the man replied, "I have faith that God will save me." Unable to change his mind, they drove on without him. Soon the flood waters began to roll in, and a rescue team drifted by this man's house in a boat. "Hop in," they requested, "We'll get you out of here." "Don't worry about me," was the man's reply, "I have faith that God will save me." Unable to change his mind, the rescue team continued on without him. Not long after that, the flood waters had completely covered this man's house, and he was hanging from the chimney. A rescue crew in a helicopter spotted him and dropped him a ladder. The man refused the ladder insisting that God would save him. Unable to change his mind, the helicopter went on without him. The water continued to rise and the man drowned. On his way through the pearly gates, he met up with God and exclaimed, "You really let me down! I had faith that you would save me and look what happened!" "Well let's see," was God's reply, "I sent you a jeep, a boat and a helicopter." 
Top ten things NOT to do in your Postal Jeep
  1. Don't pose as a postal employee to get out of a speeding ticket.
  2. Don't try to hang out at the doughnut shop with the mail carriers. (They'll snub you and stick you with the check.)
  3. Don't enter the local "Tractor Pull Contest".
  4. Don't request valet parking at the "Hilton".
  5. Don't try to join the "Mean Mudders 4-Wheeler Club".
  6. Don't tell the chicks you're the Postal Inspector's nephew.
  7. Don't challenge a Corvette to a drag race.
  8. Don't cut off Volkswagens in traffic because you feel superior.
  9. Don't kick up sand at the nude beach.
10. Don't spin doughnuts in the police chiefs yard.
A shepherd was sitting in his old jeep while watching over his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Land Rover appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing and calmly answered, "Sure."

The young man parked his Land Rover, whipped out his notebook computer, conneceted it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 2 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer and turned around to the shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"

"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," the shepherd.

The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his Land Rover. When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not," answered the young man.

You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did you ever guess that?"

"Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for providing a solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about what you're doing because you just took my dog."

A young blonde was part of a tour group visiting a small village in Africa. They were led by a handsome male tour guide. They were on a tight schedule and the guide told her that they would have to leave in 15 minutes... there could be no delays. So, off they walked through the little village. They came upon a big tree. A small child nearby, said "Banana". After a few minutes, they came upon a second tree, quite different than the first. And a child nearby said, "Orange." Not long after, the blonde noticed a third tree, very different than the first two. The Chief of the Tribe, who was nearby, smiled and said, "Mango."

Just then, the blonde heard the jeep's engine accelerating as her tour guide drove away.  "Mango" repeated the Chief.

How do you Hunt Elephants?
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Computer Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
Computer Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. 
Q. What does a lion call 2 people in a jeep?
A. Meals on Wheels
The Profs and the Zebra

A bunch of distinguished professors were visiting the Hwange National Park. They drove out on the savannah in their jeep, stopped and scouted the horizon with their binoculars when suddenly...

The engineering prof shouted ``Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!''
The biology prof replied ``I wonder if its offspring have stripes?''
The physics prof punched his calculator and said ``It should take four and a half cans of paint to get the stripes back on.''
The chemistry prof quickly worked out a new paint formula that would make just four cans of paint sufficient.
The statistics prof added ``It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra.''
The mathmatics prof made his contribution ``Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side.''
But the Park Ranger with them said ``Oh, so that's where my horse went!''

Officer:   "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier:   "Sure, buddy."
Officer:   "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier:   "No, SIR!"

An Frenchman, Irishman and Scotsman were in a Landrover in the desert and it ran out of petrol. The Irish man got out and took the keys. The Scotsman got out and took the radio. The Frenchman got out and took the door. When a group of Jeepers came across them, they asked the Irish man why he took the keys. “So no one could steel the Rover", he replied. They asked the Scotsman why he took the radio. “So I won't be lonely", he answered. They asked the Frenchman why he took the door. “So if it gets too hot I can roll down the window!"
You Know you have a Bad Ass Off Road Jeep when;

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!" 
You know your Military Vehicle "hobby" has gotten out of hand if...

  1. You refer to your 2002 Monte Carlo as "Charlie One", and it has a "A good driver..." decal on the inside door panel.
  2. The local coin-operated car wash is referred to as "the wash rack".
  3. The aforementioned Monte Carlo does NOT get parked in the garage, and has a hint of "34079 Forest Green" over spray on it - as does everything that IS in the garage.
  4. You compulsively watch the Weather Channel and 3 weather websites HOPING for a crippling snowstorm.
  5. "Julio" at Auto Zone has a gallon of 90w and a can of Ether sitting on the counter for you when you walk in.
  6. You nearly go off the road every 1/2 mile when driving in the country because you are constantly looking behind barns for the residue of overgrown rusted unrestored military relics (much to the chagrin of your wife).
  7. Slightly mildewed canvas smells GOOD to you.
  8. You think your neighbor's 4wd Magnum V8 longbed crewcab is "cute", and you ask him with a straight face if it has an attachment for a mower deck.
  9. You honestly believe that there is a non-commercial civilian justification for owning an M-whatever bizzillion ton cargo truck.
10. Your life's goal is to own a tank.
11. You own a tank.
12. You own more than ONE tank.
13. You tell your wife you NEED an M35A2 "in case the M37 gets stuck again". Recalling the towing bill, she agrees.
14. You tell your wife you NEED a 10 ton Ward - LaFrance wrecker "in case the M35A2 gets stuck again". Recalling your campaign of whining RE: the M35A2 purchase, she agrees.
14. The gas station by your house issued you a Citgo "Platinum Card", all the clerks on every shift know you by name, and the owner sends you a Christmas card every year.
15. You have, in your lifetime, worn out a grease gun.
16. You have "WeeBee Webbing" on speed dial right between "Marriage counselor" and "Batteries Plus".
17. 97% of your saved "ebay" searches have the letter "M" in them. (The other 3% have "Army").
18. Your vehicles have more antennas than seats.
19. You ran the local Ace hardware out of paint stencils.
20. You are reading this - because you comb internet Military Vehicle websites and publications, or some other diseased idiot with a bunch of green junk you regularly hang out with showed it to you.

Military Vehicle Restorer's Tool Identification Guide

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 50 years ago by someone in Michigan or England and twists them off.


BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

BEAM-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening nuts and bolts. Chief characteristic of using = The handle will ALWAYS contact firewall or fender-well just BEFORE the required torque value is reached.

BREAKER BAR: A long tool for loosening and tightening nuts and bolts. May substitute for TORQUE WRENCH. When used to tighten nuts and bolts, the rule of thumb is "Tighten Until It Strips - Then Back It Off 1/4 Turn".

CLICK-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening nuts and bolts. May also be used as a very accurate and expensive BREAKER BAR


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used as a long lever with crushable ends.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known center punch or drill bit.

FLASHLIGHT: A GREAT holder for dead batteries.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise or peanut butter. Used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

HAND ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: A device used for raising a vehicle off of the ground. When RAISING - The first stopping point will ALWAYS be 1/2 inch below the top of the Jack Stand. When LOWERING - The stopping point of the Jack will ALWAYS be 1/2 inch above the height needed to remove the Jack.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing tonneaus, soft tops, and leather upholstery kits.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used as a non-drifting drift to ALMOST align motor mount holes. Can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

PLIERS: An adjustable tool used to round off bolt heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PUTTY KNIFE: A shorter and wider version of a GASKET SCRAPER (above). Who the heck uses putty anymore anyway ?

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating the grease that has built up on a harmonic balancer.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Accurately called a "drop" light. It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under automobiles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. Makes a tinkling sound and a whisp of smoke when splashed with radiator coolant.

TUBING CUTTER: A very accurate tool used to cut brake and fuel lines exactly 1/2 inch too short.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters caused by the above.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to rapidly transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

WIRE BRUSH WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar string callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

6-FOOT STEEL TAPE: A long slender steel ribbon with inch marks. Steel tapes ALWAYS break-away and bend downwards just before you reach the point to which you are measuring.

How to Change the Oil in Your Jeep
Pull in to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
Fifteen minutes later, pay $25 and leave with a properly maintained Jeep.

Go to NAPA Auto Parts and pay $30 for oil, filter, hand cleaner, scented tree air freshener, and numerous other items you realize you need.
Discover that your used oil collection container is full; take it to the recycling center.
Spend 20 minutes trying to locate your floor jack and jack stands; no luck.
Have a beer; you don't really need to jack up the Jeep anyway.
Place used oil collection container under the engine.
Pull out socket wrench and socket; the 5th one you try is finally the correct size.
Unscrew oil drain plug.
Drop drain plug in oil; splashing hot oil all over you (and the garage floor) in the process.
Wipe off face with dirty shop rag and sprinkle kitty litter on garage floor where oil splashed.
Have another beer while oil is draining.
Look 15 minutes for oil filter wrench; no luck.
Poke oil filter with a Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
Wipe oil off of your arm with same dirty rag used in step 9; sprinkle more kitty litter on floor.
Buddy shows up; finish off 6-pack with him. Screw the oil change; finish it tomorrow!
Next day, drag full oil collection container out from underneath the Jeep.
Sprinkle more kitty litter on oil spilled during step 15.
Have a . . . wait, no beer left, drank it all yesterday.
Walk 2 miles to Corner Store; buy more beer.
Apply a thin coat of clean oil to gasket and install new oil filter.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 8!
Scramble to find drain plug in oil collection container.
Hurry to replace drain plug before entire quart of fresh oil drains all over floor.
Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame; band head on floor board in reaction.
Begin cussing fit and throw wrench across garage.
Clean up and apply Band-Aid to knuckles.
Sprinkle kitty litter on one entire quart of fresh oil now pooled under the Jeep.
Dump in remainder of oil into engine.
Realize that while you were under the Jeep, it would have been a good time to grease everything, bleed the brakes, replace those dry-rotted body spacers, and find out where that hideous clanking noise is coming from.
Drive back to NAPA and buy another $150 worth of parts that either won't fit, will break when you try to install them, or will be saved for a later project (all of which will have long been misplaced by the time you are ready to start subject project).
Drive Jeep (1-quart low of oil) for 7,000 miles; then return to Step 1.

Questions Toyota Landcruiser owners have been overheard asking...

 at Grand Canyon National Park

  • "Was this man made?"
  • "I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom, where is it?"
  • "Do you light it up at night?'
  • "So where are the faces of the presidents?"
  •  at Carlsbad Caverns National Park
  • "How much of the cave is underground?"
  • "So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"
  • "Does it ever rain in here?"
  • "So what is this, just a hole in the ground?"
  • "How many ping pong balls would it take to fill it up?"
  •  at Mesa Verde National Park
  • "Did people build this, or did indians?"
  • "Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?"
  • "Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"
  • "Why did the indians decide to live in Colorado?"

  • The Snake Model or Differential Theory of US Armed Forces in Joint Operations:

      1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
      2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
      3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
      4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
      5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
      6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
      7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
      8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
      9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
    10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
    11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
    12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
    13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
    14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
    15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
    16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
    17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
    18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
    19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
    20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
    21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
    22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
    23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
    24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.


    #10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
    # 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
    # 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
    # 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
    # 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
    # 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
    # 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
    # 3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
    # 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
    And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

    The National Research Council (NRC) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.

    The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

    Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
    A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
    This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

    One Corporal, who was in a Transport Company, was in charge of cutting and applying stencils and pretty soon everything, including the kitchen truck was stencilled "radioactive", "death from within". Fuel fillers had "dilithium only", and tailgates had "0 to 40 same day". The CP truck had "front towards enemy" on the hood!
    As a result he had the stencil cutter and his paint taken away and was banished to the MRT team!

    More at
    Did you here about the new feature on the H2 Hummer 2008 model?

     HEATED REAR BUMPERS  ~ So your hands don't get cold when you are pushing it! ~

    An infantry general was visiting troops in Europe. Since he was a general officer, and thus very important, he was given a Jeep with a warrant officer to drive it, ferrying him from unit to unit. They had been visiting units most of the day and the general came back to the Jeep only to see the engine torn apart and the warrant deep in the inner workings of the Jeep. The general asked the warrant what was wrong and the warrant, as warrants do, launched into an extremely complex and detailed technical explanation of exactly what was wrong with the engine. The general listened to him for a couple of minutes and then said, "Stop! Now chief, you're paid for your technical expertise and skill, and it's obvious you have that, but the other thing you need to do is to be able to communicate to others as to what's wrong in terms they can understand. Now what I want you to do is to tell me what's wrong with that Jeep in words I can understand."

    The warrant thought for a moment and then got a big grin on his face. "Okay, general," he said, "I think I can do that."
    Then the warrant officer turned around, pointed at the Jeep, and grunted, "UGH, BROKE!"

    One United States Marine

    A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune, "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!"
    The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

    The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!"
    Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

    The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!"
    The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

    Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"

    How many Jeep Forum 'Regulars' does it take to change a Light Bulb?
    Captain to his troops: "Since all of you performed so inefficiently today, there'll be no liberty this weekend."
    Voice: "Give me liberty or give me death!"
    Captain: "Who said that?"
    Voice: "Patrick Henry."
    Then there was the time a female recruit complained that someone had cut a peephole into her cabin door.
    The Sergeant promised to look into it.
    After a particularly grueling mission, a Captain complained that he was seeing spots before his eyes.
    "Have you seen a Dr.?" asked a Major.
    "No," replied the Captain, "Only spots."
    The Flight Surgeon was giving one of his periodic lectures to the Colonel.
    "Sir, I recommend you give up drinking, cut out poker, stop staying up late, and, especially, quit running around with women. That would be best for you."
    "Frankly, Doc," grinned the Colonel, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"
    The Captain was chatting with a newly commissioned ensign when a crewman approached and asked to speak to him.
    "Go ahead, son," the Captain said.
    "It's kind of confidential, Captain. I'd rather not say it in front of the ensign."
    "Well," said the Captain, "spell it then."
    Marine sayings:
    You might be a redneck if ....
        Less than half the jeeps you own run.
        Your Jeep Pickup truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
        Your Landcruiser stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it.
        Your Landcruiser stalled on the expressway. And you went back for it. 
    Q. What's the difference between a Toyota Landcruiser and a golf ball?
    A. You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
    After their jeep broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

    Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

    Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

    The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

    Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

    A man books a Jeepney (Jeep taxi) for the ride to the airport. The Jeepney arrives, the man loads his luggage, and the Jeepney sets off. Several minutes into the journey the man notices that the driver has taken a wrong turn. He leans forward and taps the driver on the shoulder to correct him. The driver gives out an almighty shriek and rolls the jeepney into a ditch. Trapped in the wreckage the man questioned the driver "what the hell happened there mate?" to which the injured driver replied "I'm really sorry about that, but I've been driving a hearse for the last 26 years!" 
    "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
    "And did he?"
    "Yes, I had to sell the jeep to pay the bill."
    As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked jeep, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

    The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

    The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "I don’t know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

    Somewhere in America this week the following conversation is taking place:

    Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
    Son - What's up, Dad?

    Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the jeep. Did you do it?

    Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the jeep", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the jeep.

    Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the jeep last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

    Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the jeep. While it is true that I did take the jeep out last night, I did not scratch it.

    Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the jeep against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the jeep, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the jeep?

    Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the jeep. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the jeep.

    Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the jeep into the mailbox?

    Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the jeep into the street. I mishandled the steering of the jeep, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

    Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

    Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the jeep.

    Dad - But the jeep did hit the mailbox, and the jeep did get scratched as a result of this contact?

    Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

    Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the jeep?

    Son - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the jeep?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the jeep... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the jeep" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

    Dad - Son, you are such a slick talker you're either gonna wind up as a lawyer or President....

    "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not."
             ~ Thomas Jefferson


    1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
    2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
    3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
    4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
    5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
    6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
    7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
    8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
    9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
    10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
    11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
    12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
    13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
    14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
    15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
    16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
    17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
    18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
    19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
    20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
    21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
    22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
    23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
    24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
    25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control. 

    Real Jeeps have Round Headlights

    Another satisfied toyota customer  :-)~

    You can always spot a future Jeep 4x4 engeneer

    Have you seen my Roomier Jeep Wrangler Unlimited?
    Have you seen my Roomier Jeep Wrangler Unlimited?

    What's tough, rugged, goes anywhere with a "can do" attitude?
    What's tough, rugged, goes anywhere with a can do attitude? Some say its a Jeep, others say its a Marine - I say both!
    Some say a its a Jeep, others say its a Marine - I say its both!

    Go To Jeep Jokes II rated PG-13

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