"Nothing important, sir, the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

On the return journey, the Landcruiser owners bought just a single ticket for the lot of them while the Jeepers didn't have any ticket. When they heard the conductor nearby, the two groups rushed to toilets at the opposite ends of the carriage.

But just before the conductor passed by, one Jeeper went to the Landcruiser owners' toilet, rapped on the door and said "Ticket please."

So the emir offered twenty million dollars to anyone who could put out the fire and the world's press printed the news. For two days there were no takers and then suddenly, out of nowhere, over a huge sand hill came a jeep. Emerald green in color, it was, bearing the logo 'Murphy's of Finglas'.

Sixty, maybe seventy, miles an hour the jeep hurtled towards the flames with a dozen red-faced Irishmen hanging on for dear life. Into the center of the maelstrom raced the vehicle spilling the men on to the burning oil. Up and down they hopped, stamping fiercely with their Wellington boots until gradually, ever so gradually, the flames abated and the fire was snuffed out.

'Bravo, bravo,' bellowed the delighted emir. 'You have more than earned the twenty million dollars. Now tell me, what's the first thing you'll do with the money? Holidays, Rolls-Royces, houses, what?'

'Well,' said Murphy, 'the first thing we're going to do is get the brakes fixed on that jeep!'

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his Passport in his carryon.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The elderly Gentleman admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible!" barked the French officer. "Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France."

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

DOS Jeep
Requires you to install your own panel indications, and that you read the directions carefully before opening the door. Originally only came with an 8 gallon gas tank, but now comes with a 16 gallon tank. The tank can be divided into eight compartments of 2 gallons each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep driving it after it's no longer available.

Macintosh Jeep
At first came only with a 16 gallon tank, but now comes with a 32 gallon tank. Considered by many to be a "Real Jeep". All the Jeeps look identical. When you open the door, it starts itself. Owners manuals are not available. If you call to ask about the maintenance, you are told that "you don't need to know."

Windows 3.1 Jeep
The world's most popular Jeep. Comes with a 16 gallon tank and looks a lot like Mac Jeeps. Requires that you previously owned a DOS Jeep. Claims that it allows you to run several accessories previously available on DOS Jeeps simultaneously, but in reality you can only run a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are running the Windows Jeep accessory at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a Windows Jeep will die, requiring that all passengers exit and reenter the Jeep.

OS/2 Jeep
Comes with a 32 gallon tank. Does allow you to run several DOS Jeep accessories simultaneously. Allows you to run Windows 3.1 Jeep accessories simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that the Jeep won't die when you drive them, even if you off road in them. You never see anyone driving OS/2 Jeeps, but the manufacturer claims that 9 million Jeeps have been sold.

Windows 95 Jeep
Only just out, the Windows 95 Jeep looks a lot like the Mac Jeep but runs more like the Windows 3.1 Jeep. It comes with a 32 gallon tank, but when you put gas in them, only 16 gallons will fit. Most people will probably keep driving Windows 3.1 Jeeps until their friends try Windows 95 Jeeps and say they like it. The owners manual, when you look at the small print, has some of the same accessories that come in a DOS Jeep, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new model.

Windows NT Jeep
Comes with a 32 gallon tank, but you can only buy gas for it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy the gas in groups. The Jeep looks just like Windows 3.1 Jeep, but the company promises to change the Jeep to look just like Windows 95 Jeep. Touted as an "industrial strength" Jeep, and suggested only for use as fleet vehicles.

UNIX Jeep
This very heavy Jeep comes with 32 gallon tanks, and has been around for years. Rumor has it that it was originally built as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the Jeep. It tends to be driven only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards; and drivers of it do not like drivers of any other Jeep. In its basic form it is extremely difficult to drive and understand the panel indications, but with the addition of the X-Panel modification, it can be operated on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of extras and (often unpronounceable) accessories.

• You look for Jeeps in movies and TV shows and try to identify the model and date of manufacture.
• You set-aside quality time to be spent with your Jeep, and spend more money on it than on your girlfriend.
• You have a replacement part in your garage for every drive component on the Jeep
• Your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house.
• You can be found in the driveway lying under your jeep at 12:50 am
• You want to take things apart and rebuild them, even if they are not broken.
• You complain about everything, but smile when you fix everything yourself.
• Every page of your repair manual has greasy fingerprints.
• You remember part numbers easier than your spouse’s birthday
• You have to fix almost everything yourself because no one has ever worked on a WWII army vehicle.
• You get in your vehicle and are surprised if all of the instruments work.
• You consider starting a vehicle five times in any given minute a routine procedure.
• You can diagnose a "funny" sound coming from the engine compartment and immediately know how much it will cost to fix and exactly what tools you'll need to fix it
• You know a minimum of three long distance numbers to Military Jeep Parts businesses by heart.
• When you have all your credit card numbers memorized
• Your credit card bill usually has more than 6 Jeep related items on it.
• Your wallet is always empty.
• You are constantly broke or soon to be broke.
• You have the monetary equivalent of a Mercedes sedan invested, but your vehicle still looks like it came out of a crate you bought for $50.
• You own a vehicle that weighs 1000 pounds more than when it came off the assembly line because of all the accoutrements you’ve added.
• You name your Jeep
• You're constantly getting passed on the highway and don’t mind.
• When you use your ice scraper on the inside of your windshield.
• You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents.  Heater vents… What heater vents?
• Radio... what radio?

"Well, that's pretty impressive," says the Air Force general, "but watch this." He tells an airman to stand behind an F-7 while it's taking off, and the airman does it, and is burned to a crisp.

"Yeah, that's pretty good," says the Marine general, "but I'll tell that jarhead over there to jump out of an airplane without his parachute, and damned if he won't do it!" So he tells the jarhead to jump, he does, and is splattered on the ground in short order.

The admiral is watching all this, and finally says "I'll tell that sailor there to jump from the tallest mast on this ship!" So he goes up to the sailor and says "Seaman, jump from the top of this mast!"
To which the seaman responds "HELL NO, SIR".
The admiral turns to the generals and says "Gentlemen, that is bravery."

He went around the motor pool and collected from jeep drivers and mechanics all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"I regret I can not remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others."

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?" St. Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!"

The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing and calmly answered, "Sure."

The young man parked his Land Rover, whipped out his notebook computer, conneceted it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 2 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer and turned around to the shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"

"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," the shepherd.

The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his Land Rover. When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not," answered the young man.

You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did you ever guess that?"

"Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for providing a solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about what you're doing because you just took my dog."

Just then, the blonde heard the jeep's engine accelerating as her tour guide drove away.  "Mango" repeated the Chief.

The engineering prof shouted ``Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!''
The biology prof replied ``I wonder if its offspring have stripes?''
The physics prof punched his calculator and said ``It should take four and a half cans of paint to get the stripes back on.''
The chemistry prof quickly worked out a new paint formula that would make just four cans of paint sufficient.
The statistics prof added ``It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra.''
The mathmatics prof made his contribution ``Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side.''
But the Park Ranger with them said ``Oh, so that's where my horse went!''

• Your jeep is so mean and nasty looking that other vehicles avoid you.
• You can see over Suburbans, Expeditions, Navigators and Excursions.
• You hunch over whenever entering a parking garage no matter what type of vehicle you're driving.
• Your last lift takes you over the 7-foot garage height restrictions.
• You spent a really unreasonable amount of money just to gain the extra inch of ground clearance.
• You suffer from height envy (clearance envy, lift envy - insert one).
• The location of your "blind spot" is above your "really blind spot," where anything shorter than a Buick disappears.
• You have someone 'spot' you when parking at the mall.
• The location of your vehicle's sway bar is either your backyard or your local dump.
• Your jeep articulates so well that your hi-lift jack can't get the wheels off the ground.
• You can air up your tires without stopping at a gas station.
• Your life is preoccupied with finding alternative on-board air storage methods.
• Any tire that isn't waist high looks like a bagel.
• You can't hear your $2000 stereo over the howl of your tires on the highway.
• You can't sneak into church late because the engine is too loud.
• Your Nerf bars battle rocks and win.
• You have a high-water mark INSIDE the Jeep.
• You slam the door and chunks of dried mud crumble to the ground.
• Your boss's secretary calls to "recommend" that you wash your Jeep.
• You use a hose to clean the inside and the outside.
• You finally wash the mud off and everyone thinks you bought a new Jeep.
• The coin wash attendant says your jeep is too muddy to use the car wash.
• You spend more on car washes than on insurance.
• You nickname your Jeep after the noises it makes or it's most damaging trail accident.
• Your wife/girlfriend refuses to get in it.
• You can't take a girl, who's wearing a dress, on a date without carrying along a set of steps.
• You are the only one on the street who doesn’t plow their driveway.
• You get asked to pick up your co-workers in a snowstorm and get paid for it.
• Your vehicle weighs 1000 lbs. more then it did when came off the assembly line.

  1. You refer to your 2002 Monte Carlo as "Charlie One", and it has a "A good driver..." decal on the inside door panel.
  2. The local coin-operated car wash is referred to as "the wash rack".
  3. The aforementioned Monte Carlo does NOT get parked in the garage, and has a hint of "34079 Forest Green" over spray on it - as does everything that IS in the garage.
  4. You compulsively watch the Weather Channel and 3 weather websites HOPING for a crippling snowstorm.
  5. "Julio" at Auto Zone has a gallon of 90w and a can of Ether sitting on the counter for you when you walk in.
  6. You nearly go off the road every 1/2 mile when driving in the country because you are constantly looking behind barns for the residue of overgrown rusted unrestored military relics (much to the chagrin of your wife).
  7. Slightly mildewed canvas smells GOOD to you.
  8. You think your neighbor's 4wd Magnum V8 longbed crewcab is "cute", and you ask him with a straight face if it has an attachment for a mower deck.
  9. You honestly believe that there is a non-commercial civilian justification for owning an M-whatever bizzillion ton cargo truck.
10. Your life's goal is to own a tank.
11. You own a tank.
12. You own more than ONE tank.
13. You tell your wife you NEED an M35A2 "in case the M37 gets stuck again". Recalling the towing bill, she agrees.
14. You tell your wife you NEED a 10 ton Ward - LaFrance wrecker "in case the M35A2 gets stuck again". Recalling your campaign of whining RE: the M35A2 purchase, she agrees.
14. The gas station by your house issued you a Citgo "Platinum Card", all the clerks on every shift know you by name, and the owner sends you a Christmas card every year.
15. You have, in your lifetime, worn out a grease gun.
16. You have "WeeBee Webbing" on speed dial right between "Marriage counselor" and "Batteries Plus".
17. 97% of your saved "ebay" searches have the letter "M" in them. (The other 3% have "Army").
18. Your vehicles have more antennas than seats.
19. You ran the local Ace hardware out of paint stencils.
20. You are reading this - because you comb internet Military Vehicle websites and publications, or some other diseased idiot with a bunch of green junk you regularly hang out with showed it to you.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 50 years ago by someone in Michigan or England and twists them off.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

BEAM-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening nuts and bolts. Chief characteristic of using = The handle will ALWAYS contact firewall or fender-well just BEFORE the required torque value is reached.

BREAKER BAR: A long tool for loosening and tightening nuts and bolts. May substitute for TORQUE WRENCH. When used to tighten nuts and bolts, the rule of thumb is "Tighten Until It Strips - Then Back It Off 1/4 Turn".

CLICK-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening nuts and bolts. May also be used as a very accurate and expensive BREAKER BAR

CRESCENT WRENCH: See PLIERS

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used as a long lever with crushable ends.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known center punch or drill bit.

FLASHLIGHT: A GREAT holder for dead batteries.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise or peanut butter. Used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

HAND ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: A device used for raising a vehicle off of the ground. When RAISING - The first stopping point will ALWAYS be 1/2 inch below the top of the Jack Stand. When LOWERING - The stopping point of the Jack will ALWAYS be 1/2 inch above the height needed to remove the Jack.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing tonneaus, soft tops, and leather upholstery kits.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used as a non-drifting drift to ALMOST align motor mount holes. Can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

PLIERS: An adjustable tool used to round off bolt heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PUTTY KNIFE: A shorter and wider version of a GASKET SCRAPER (above). Who the heck uses putty anymore anyway ?

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating the grease that has built up on a harmonic balancer.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Accurately called a "drop" light. It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under automobiles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. Makes a tinkling sound and a whisp of smoke when splashed with radiator coolant.

TUBING CUTTER: A very accurate tool used to cut brake and fuel lines exactly 1/2 inch too short.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters caused by the above.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to rapidly transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

WIRE BRUSH WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar string callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

6-FOOT STEEL TAPE: A long slender steel ribbon with inch marks. Steel tapes ALWAYS break-away and bend downwards just before you reach the point to which you are measuring.

Men
Go to NAPA Auto Parts and pay $30 for oil, filter, hand cleaner, scented tree air freshener, and numerous other items you realize you need.
Discover that your used oil collection container is full; take it to the recycling center.
Spend 20 minutes trying to locate your floor jack and jack stands; no luck.
Have a beer; you don't really need to jack up the Jeep anyway.
Place used oil collection container under the engine.
Pull out socket wrench and socket; the 5th one you try is finally the correct size.
Unscrew oil drain plug.
Drop drain plug in oil; splashing hot oil all over you (and the garage floor) in the process.
Wipe off face with dirty shop rag and sprinkle kitty litter on garage floor where oil splashed.
Have another beer while oil is draining.
Look 15 minutes for oil filter wrench; no luck.
Poke oil filter with a Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
Wipe oil off of your arm with same dirty rag used in step 9; sprinkle more kitty litter on floor.
Buddy shows up; finish off 6-pack with him. Screw the oil change; finish it tomorrow!
Next day, drag full oil collection container out from underneath the Jeep.
Sprinkle more kitty litter on oil spilled during step 15.
Have a . . . wait, no beer left, drank it all yesterday.
Walk 2 miles to Corner Store; buy more beer.
Apply a thin coat of clean oil to gasket and install new oil filter.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 8!
Scramble to find drain plug in oil collection container.
Hurry to replace drain plug before entire quart of fresh oil drains all over floor.
Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame; band head on floor board in reaction.
Begin cussing fit and throw wrench across garage.
Clean up and apply Band-Aid to knuckles.
Sprinkle kitty litter on one entire quart of fresh oil now pooled under the Jeep.
Dump in remainder of oil into engine.
Realize that while you were under the Jeep, it would have been a good time to grease everything, bleed the brakes, replace those dry-rotted body spacers, and find out where that hideous clanking noise is coming from.
Drive back to NAPA and buy another $150 worth of parts that either won't fit, will break when you try to install them, or will be saved for a later project (all of which will have long been misplaced by the time you are ready to start subject project).
Drive Jeep (1-quart low of oil) for 7,000 miles; then return to Step 1.

 at Grand Canyon National Park

"Was this man made?"

"I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom, where is it?"

"Do you light it up at night?'

"So where are the faces of the presidents?"

"How much of the cave is underground?"

"So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"

"Does it ever rain in here?"

"So what is this, just a hole in the ground?"

"How many ping pong balls would it take to fill it up?"

"Did people build this, or did indians?"

"Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?"

"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"

"Why did the indians decide to live in Colorado?"

  1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
  2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
  3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
  4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
  5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
  6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
  7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
  8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
  9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN 

The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

• "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." (Army's magazine of preventive maintenance).
• "Aim towards the Enemy." (Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher).
• When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend. (US Marine Corps)
• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. (US Air Force)
• If the enemy is in range, so are you. (Infantry Journal)
• It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. (US Air Force Manual)
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. (Gen MacArthur)
• Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. (Infantry Journal)
• You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you, come with me. (US Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt)
• Tracers work both ways. (US Army Ordnance)
• Five-second fuses only last three seconds. (Infantry Journal)
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. (US Navy Swabbie)
• Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. (David Hackworth)
• If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush. (Infantry Journal)
• No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection-ready unit ever survived combat (Joe Gay)
• Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. (Admiral Hornblower)
• Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. (Unknown Marine Recruit)
• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. (Your Buddies)
• Mines are equal-opportunity weapons. (Saddam Hussein)

 HEATED REAR BUMPERS  ~ So your hands don't get cold when you are pushing it! ~

The warrant thought for a moment and then got a big grin on his face. "Okay, general," he said, "I think I can do that."
Then the warrant officer turned around, pointed at the Jeep, and grunted, "UGH, BROKE!"

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune, "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!"
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!"
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"

•  1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
•  14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
•  7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
•  1 to move it to the Lighting section
•  2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
•  7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
•  5 to flame the spell checkers
•  3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
•  6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
•  2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
•  15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
•  19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
•  11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
•  36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
•  7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
•  4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
•  3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
•  13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
•  5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
•  4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
•  13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
• 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

• Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.
• USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.
• When in doubt, empty the magazine.
• To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is Marine Corps policy.
• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
• There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they  were.
• Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?
• All men are created equal, then some become Marines.
• It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.
• U.S. Marines: Travel agents to Allah.
• It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.
• Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.
• Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "I don’t know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?

Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the jeep. Did you do it?

Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the jeep", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the jeep.

Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the jeep last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the jeep. While it is true that I did take the jeep out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the jeep against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the jeep, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the jeep?

Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the jeep. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the jeep.

Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the jeep into the mailbox?

Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the jeep into the street. I mishandled the steering of the jeep, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the jeep.

Dad - But the jeep did hit the mailbox, and the jeep did get scratched as a result of this contact?

Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the jeep?

Son - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the jeep?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the jeep... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the jeep" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad - Son, you are such a slick talker you're either gonna wind up as a lawyer or President....

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control. 

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